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写作原文
As is subtly portrayed in the drawing, the picture on the left illustrates a young boy wrote(改为writing或者with) a famous football player'(加s,即player’s) name,(去掉)——Beckham ,(去掉) on his face, (句子较复杂，可改为a young boy has the word “Beckham ”,the name of a famous football player, written on his face) and the other picture on the right illustrates a young man who wants to have a hair style of Beckham and spends on 300RMB(改为which needs 300RMB). These pictures illustrate(加 that)the worship of star(改为the stars，或把整体改为idol-worshipping) is popular in the modern society.There are some factors contribute(改为contributing) to this phenomenon. The first factor(加is) that the ideology of young individuals in modern society is not independence(改为independent, independence是名词) . They do not know that(去掉) what is worth to hold (改为what to hold)and what is(去掉) they really want or need. The second factor(加is) that the atmosphere of the modern society is not verybenefit(改为beneficial，benefit是动词) to the development of young folks. With the dissemination of TVs, magazines,(去掉) and so forth, the environment of worship of star(改为idol-worshipping) is increasing popularity(改为becoming increasingly popular). So it can influence young person(加s) always and everywhere.In my point of view, the preference of individual, there is no one right or wrong choice(句式混乱，改为there’s no right or wrong regards to individuals’ preference). Because various folks take different attitudes toward(改为towards) the phenomenon of worship, many may be (去掉)like while other(改为others) may not. But I deem, as college students, we should put our vigour on the (去掉)learning rather than pursuing star(改为stars).
总体点评
文章存在很多语法上的问题，尤其是比较细致的问题，还有标点符号运用有误，作者在完成习作后应认真检查，避免不必要的错误。此外，词汇量少，比如在第一段一直重复illustrate这个单词，平时可以多积累一些词汇，在运用的时候注意变换。句型也相对较为单一，多总结模仿经典句型，提高自己的写作水平，为自己的习作增彩。作者可以从大量熟读经典范文开云官方网页版手，积累知识，自己勤于练习。加油吧，祝你考研成功!
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